As all new parents, I've had multiple "I get it" revelations about my parents on some things that previously puzzled me (other things, I'm still confused). One such revelation happened this morning...

The kid decided to sleep in this morning and by sleep in I mean she stayed in bed until 7 instead of waking for a feeding at 3:30 and getting up for the day at 6 a.m. (HUGE victory)

I, of course, woke up for both the 3:30 feeding and the 6 a.m. wake-up. Now a normal human being would simply go back to sleep and enjoy the sleep until 7 a.m., but I am no longer a normal human being - I'm a mother to a very young child...which means that I am all things to a very young child - food, sleep, comfort, etc...

And this means that I got out of bed, pumped some bottles of milk, enjoyed the quiet of the morning, watched the news which I feel guilty doing around the husband (he needs captions to watch t.v., so I try not to watch live shows around him as the captions lag and he doesn't get the same enjoyable experience that I do), and generally enjoyed being just me for a few minutes.

As a kid, I used to wonder why on earth my mom relished the thought of waking up early and having the house to herself. Now I know that that was her only moment in a long day of moments that weren't hers.

I think that this blog is going to become one of those moments for me...although I hate saying what this blog is - it puts pressure on me and inevitably makes me run away. So for now we'll say this space is an oasis...this spot is mine...and no young child or even husband can encroach on it.

For now. ;)


Losing myself

There are days when I don't even recognize myself anymore. Instead of a cool, level-headed 20-something, I'm an old nagging wife and mother who can't muster even an ounce of patience and compassion for my husband.

That's right - since I've last written, I've become a mother. The mere thought of this is insane - aren't mothers older than me? More put together than me? Better at this than me?

All evidence points to no, simply because no one is the "right" age to be a mother (there is no right age), there is no perfectly put together mother (it does not exist), and no one is better than anyone else (we are all our best at every moment by using what we've got and trying our damnedest to not fail entirely).

That last paragraph is the hardest thing in the world to embrace - that no one is perfect and I will never be.

But there are days when I feel like if I get angry one more time at my husband...if I am frustrated with my 3-month old one more time...if I breakdown and complain about motherhood to women who want children but aren't able to have them one more time...that someone is going to punish me by taking it all away - my beautiful baby, my patient husband, my good life.

I keep waiting, but no one comes...no one takes anything away....

But maybe it will happen one day. This is my greatest fear. EVER.