I am now the mother of three babies - two here on earth (one upstairs asking to come down right this second) and one in heaven...or eternity...or the realms...just not here.
It breaks my heart that that is the case. It hurts more than I could ever imagine, but there it is.
I wanted some record of it, of that baby being, even though it was only 11 weeks of being pregnant that that baby was around.
Charlie Scott Marie Mills was 'born' (or declared no longer alive) on May 7, 2012. On November 26, 2012 we were supposed to be getting close to meeting them.
Forever, we will love them. Him. Her. Them.
And one day, I might not cry or have to take deep breaths when someone says, I'm pregnant! One day the grief won't be so fresh.
And one day, I'll get to meet the baby that was, but never was, the baby that is but will never be...
Charlie, I love you. I'm your momma. And one day, we will know what that means. Today, it means I miss you. And I can't wait to see you.
7.20.2012
5.29.2010
Compromise
Some days I think about the compromises I made that got me to where I am and who I am today.
I'm not talking huge, life-altering compromises, but small, significant ones that looking back now I wonder - if I didn't make those, where would I be? Who would I be?
Where would I be if I didn't have to compromise a chance to live abroad simply because my sisters wouldn't also be given such an opportunity?
Where would I be if I wasn't busy compromising my pay cheque to keep my family afloat and I could have picked any school in the world instead of the school in my backyard?
Who would I be if I didn't compromise my deepest passions in order to be the perfect daughter?
What would my life look like if I didn't compromise risk and adventure for stability and a family?
I don't regret the choices I made (or in some cases that were made for me) - how can I without regretting every moment I get to spend with my husband and daughter, both of whom are my entire world?
But some days, the compromises are felt more than others...and the questions swirl...and all of the moments where a choice was given and decided become too hard to bear...
And I think - what Julia would I be if it weren't for all of the compromises I've had to make?
I'm not talking huge, life-altering compromises, but small, significant ones that looking back now I wonder - if I didn't make those, where would I be? Who would I be?
Where would I be if I didn't have to compromise a chance to live abroad simply because my sisters wouldn't also be given such an opportunity?
Where would I be if I wasn't busy compromising my pay cheque to keep my family afloat and I could have picked any school in the world instead of the school in my backyard?
Who would I be if I didn't compromise my deepest passions in order to be the perfect daughter?
What would my life look like if I didn't compromise risk and adventure for stability and a family?
I don't regret the choices I made (or in some cases that were made for me) - how can I without regretting every moment I get to spend with my husband and daughter, both of whom are my entire world?
But some days, the compromises are felt more than others...and the questions swirl...and all of the moments where a choice was given and decided become too hard to bear...
And I think - what Julia would I be if it weren't for all of the compromises I've had to make?
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