Conversations

The last time I talked to a baby in my belly, it was to tell Charlie to go if they were leaving...to let go and be in peace and that I would be okay and Daddy would be okay and everyone would be okay and that that all they had to worry about was their journey and that they were loved and didn't need to hold on.

I was bleeding. And scared. And I knew in my bones. I KNEW I was miscarrying. I KNEW I was losing a baby, full of life and hope and the future and that baby smell...I knew. And I wanted the baby to go without having to deal with a mess of a mama.

That was the last time I talked to a baby in my belly.

And here I am today. Pregnant. With a belly that looks bigger than my 13 weeks (I'm told they get bigger faster the more times you do this...it's my fourth time, so...).

And I'm on the couch, watching a movie and rubbing my belly and wanting to whisper to it. To talk about how excited we are to meet this person. How exciting the next appointment will be because we'll get to hear their heartbeat. How I have no idea how we're going to handle 3 crazy little ones at once, but somehow we'll figure it out.

And yet...all I can think about is that last conversation. That last time when I was trying to be brave and kind and loving and the best mama I could be to someone I had never met or kissed or cooed at.

The last time when I said goodbye and told my baby to go into the great beyond, to not worry about me.

I miss my gone baby today. I hate that that feeling is mixed up in the feelings I have for this baby, my fourth baby...

And yet I don't know any other way.

I miss Charlie.

Today. Yesterday. Always.

Always.

Miscarriage

I am now the mother of three babies - two here on earth (one upstairs asking to come down right this second) and one in heaven...or eternity...or the realms...just not here.

It breaks my heart that that is the case. It hurts more than I could ever imagine, but there it is.

I wanted some record of it, of that baby being, even though it was only 11 weeks of being pregnant that that baby was around.

Charlie Scott Marie Mills was 'born' (or declared no longer alive) on May 7, 2012. On November 26, 2012 we were supposed to be getting close to meeting them.

Forever, we will love them. Him. Her. Them.

And one day, I might not cry or have to take deep breaths when someone says, I'm pregnant! One day the grief won't be so fresh.

And one day, I'll get to meet the baby that was, but never was, the baby that is but will never be...

Charlie, I love you. I'm your momma. And one day, we will know what that means. Today, it means I miss you. And I can't wait to see you.